Slane/Boyer Family

I have been contemplating life and it's mysteries and how awesome it is. Well we are moving....don't know when quite yet.....but hopefully sooner than later....still have a couple things to figure out. Well can't really drop a bomb like that and not tell where, all tho it would be like me to do such a thing, just sayin....

so we are going to move to Beautiful Walden Colorado. Yup back home for Jason! and I am really excited to. It will be change for us and it will be good! Is it scary tho?? Yes which makes me feel silly because i'm like thirty something that shouldn't be scary seriously. But I have been at home for well thirty something years: which is why i'm excited for the change, plus there are Awesome peeps in Walden and i will be close to my sister, and there are tons of mountains and that is what we love!! And tons of other pluses that I have thought of. So why is it scary?? Is it the change? probably, for sure i'm miss things in the box, schedule, need to know what is going to happen tomorrow....this Limbo thing not good for me LOL, BUT then all this made me contemplate, SO is it easier to move away when you are YOUNGER and ready to get away and wanting to spread your wings (i don't think i was born with that urge) or when your older and wiser??? AM I being silly?? More than likely but as with me I will continue to be scared and Excited at the same time until we get more concrete plans :) Another plus, beautiful pics of the mountains to come!!! Yes!

Some things I've learned (in no paticular order)

Family and Friends are the best support: I love my family and friends and I need to learn to turn to them more when I'm haveing problems instead of trying to do it on my own.

Talk to each Other: It is hard to do. I try to remember to let Jas know how I'm feeling. Especially with my mild case of depression. I try to always let him know when I'm feeling bluer than norm. so that if I do go down he'll know what is going on. Communication is soo key about everything!! I've even started telling everyone when my heart skips a beat or my fingers are tingly or little stuff...you just never know...and then if they have to call an ambulance or someone, then they are informed of what happened right before.

Writing is Theraputic: Writing stuff out and getting it out is soo theraputic for me! I was reminded of this when I was reading Nikki Sixx's book "This is going to hurt". You don't have to share anything with anybody but yourself just the act of doing it cleanses my insides. And I have learned some things about myself doing it also.

Sometimes It's Hard to SWIM: or The voices are real: Sometimes (for me it has been awhile knock on wood) the voices in our head get to be too much. A doctor once related my depression to swimming in the ocean he said that the stuff I was dealing with was like the waves crashing over my head and instead of coming up for air I just took big gulps of water and drowned. We needed to find something to help me swim and make the waves small and managable. When I get in a weakened drowning state that is when the voices like to play. I haven't drowned in a long time all tho when I'm tired and crabby I still here the voices tell me what an idiot I am etc. But right now I can ignore them and move on...or I talk it out with my Friends Family and Honey till I fill better. I'm LUCKY! I can solve mine so easy...same aforementioned doctor also taught me to look at things like a layer cake...I say to myself "Is this really the frosting? or Just one of the sprinkles on top?" or how huge really is this problem? I'm glad this technique works for me. Again I am LUCKY.

It's really NOT your fault: Sometimes in life we think if I had just vacuumed more or if I had made better dinners or if I had done this different he/she wouldn't have done what they did. I'm telling you it's NOT your fault. You could of done those things a million times and what was supposed to happen will happen. I promise. You cleaning the house isn't going to stop the bad from happening, there will always be something else they find cuz when our loved ones are crashing they are crashing and all we can do is take care of us and try to help them.

Sometimes Medication is THE Answer: It may be over used however sometimes it really is the answer how do I know hmmm... Warning this maybe TMI however all I can relate is my personal experience; that is what I know. I have been on (and off) birth controle for as long as I can remeber probally since I started being female. I am on it to help keep my cycles regulated. I like to start to think that I'm all better and don't need to keep taking these cuz it's a pain; so I quit. And I am good for a month or two then it gets out of my system and that is when the fun starts. I start bleeding and don't stop. (to the point where I think I should take out stock in Kotex cuz I could keep them going) When I say I don't stop I mean for months on end; I may have one day but that is it. Then I am weak the aformentioned depression likes to make an appearance. I have learned the hard way...TAKE your meds!! If I'm not going to do what the Doctor says then why go see him and pay all that money. Also hard lesson I learned with Jas is that meds really will help with his bi-polor depression. If he doesn't like the way they make him feel we need to go find one that he is good with. NOT take him completely off...again why pay if we aren't going to play.

You just want it All to STOP: I don't think people understand this concept; well they might but I'm going to go into it anyway and try as good as I can to explain it. It is something I have pondered for awhile, but recently I got the lightbulb over my head. With some or all ( I don't know I'm not a doctor and this is ALL according to what I've experienced) depression you get demon voices in your head, and they aren't screaming nice things about you to you. They help tear yourself down till your to the point of wanting to die. Alcohol drowns them for ahwile but soon you get sober or they learn how to swim. I know that some bi-polor people use drugs to self medicate. I've never used so I don't have any in sight to this. With me when I got to the point of going crazy cuz they wont stop and you can't get rid of them i knew i had two choices (and hopefully you are aware that you have two and aren't to far gone) 1. get help or 2. suicide. Those are the only things that will shut the voices off. Sometimes when I watch the news and you see the All Star Athlete or The Neighbor who had it ALL or the Movie Star that had a great career; and nobody saw that they were depressed, nobody saw it coming...I wonder were there really signs that nobody saw or were they great actors. Sometimes you have to fake it...you don't want people to know you need help, or that you are crazy and hearing voices. You have to appear to the masses because you can't break their expectations. It is soo hard. Again I'm Lucky I haven't had this in a long long time.

You have no CONTROLE: You can sit on a self medicating person or an alcoholic all you want. You can never leave their side or never sleep or have a 24/7 babysitter. It is a false sense of controle YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!! If a person is crashing they are going to crash weather they are right in front of you or somewhere else. You can't stop it from happening all you can do is pray you get them the right help to help bring them out. It's not pretty and it's not the best of times. However always remember...

They have little Contole Also: as I said if a person is going to crash they are going to crash. It's not like they want to. They have been putting it off for as long as they can too. All I can say is Sometimes Medication is THE answer. If your dealing with depression its all brain chemistry...if it was soo easy to rewire brain chemistry we wouldn't need medication to do it, we could just say no brain I don't think we will do that today and bam all better. All I could have people do is try to keep me safe and try to help me get what I needed to keep my chemistry the way it needed to be.

You may be surprised where you find inspiration: I have always found inspiration in my scriptures and comfort in hard times. I found inspiration and in sight in what I thought was an unlikely source. Jas had read "The Heroin Diaries" by Nikki Sixx and while reading it and afterwards said he could so relate to what Nikki had gone through becuase he felt the same way with his bi-polor. So to humor him I picked it up and read it when he was done. Little did I know that book gave me in sight to what and how Jas felt. Nikki put into words what Jas couldn't. It helped us communicate and talk about it. I got a better understanding to what it was like for him.

Don't take things Personally: I borrowed this one from Nikki Sixx b/c it is soo true! and I am trying to live by it. People have bad days and we end up taking it out on other people. When I worked front desk at a hotel people would come in cranky and tired they had just drove all night long and they are not always polite. It was hard not to take what they had just transfered on to me and take it out on the next person. I have had to learn that when people around me are Crashing that they aren't doing it to hurt me or to mess with me; it has nothing to do with ME. They may say harsh things but they are hurting and out of contole and they just want the ones around them to go away so they hurt them or as the old saying goes Misery Loves Company. It is soo hard not to take things Personal especially when it is a verbal abuse but I'm trying not to own it and just try to see where the other party is coming from...have they had a bad day? is their life ok? what is going on with that person??

Follow Your Heart: Get advice, listen to other people's opinions. But in the end follow your heart. It may just lead to heartache again, but I've never been left wondering What If?